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~Malkar

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Harsh Lesson Relearned

Sat Mar 14, 2009, 2:13 PM
  • Mood: Sadness
  • Listening to: Nothing
  • Reading: The lines left upon my heart
  • Watching: Time slip by
  • Playing: Nothing
  • Eating: Misery
  • Drinking: Loss
Alright, I know what you are thinking: More whining from our resident cynic about how he is a joke and everybody hates him. And well... your right :)

December 25th, it is a magical day for many of us. And for me it and April 15th will be the days that will haunt me till the end of my days.

December 25th was the day I answered the last message from some one very, very, very important to me. So important that it has damn-near destroyed me, and it still might. April 15th is this persons birthday...

The backstory is this, this person was given the opportunity to go to a foreign country to study. They asked me for my opinion, I told them to do what was important to them, if that ment leaving for a distant land then do so. I cautioned them however that to do leaving would mean they would never return. They did what they wanted to do with my full support.

That was before the end of September. It is now March 14th.. they stopped talking to me in December. Coming 3 months ago. I have this talent, when it comes to my own misery, I have the ability to see the future, I forsaw this event. And I let them go anyway... now it has happened and I feel a great emptiness in my soul, this emptiness is filling up with anguish and hatred. And all the while I try to convince myself she will come home, that she will come back into my life and all will be well again.

I know, have known for a since the last message it is over between us. She never told me it was over, but some how I knew it. Such a terrible gift, to be able to predict the future, but only as it relates to your own pain.

I accept that she has ripped out my soul and left me, now comes the task of seeing if I can live without a soul.

Jessica, should you ever seek me out again I hope you find this. Not out of spite but to remind that it only takes but a single action to destroy something so precious as a life. From here on, I forge my own way, and hope against malice that you come back to me.

353 Comments

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:iconmikashi:
~Mikashi Mar 14, 2009, 2:38:42 PM
Poor you, :(.

And woah! That is freaky...Jessica is my real name ^^;.

You aren't whining. Trust me. You aren't.

You can bitch-slap about this to me later, but I am going to call her the most horrible person on the planet for not even contacting you to know it's over *hits her*

GARAAHHH!!! This is why I don't like most people XD *shot*

:hug: I hope you feel better :)
:iconmalkar:
~Malkar Mar 14, 2009, 2:50:33 PM
I'd never do that to you, despite how little we talk your one of my best friends and favoured people...

As for telling me... I think she might have told me but I never understood it. Back when we were still talking regularly, she suggested maybe we end it "so I wouldn't lonely" or whatever. That may have been her code for it is over... I don't know for certain.. hell she could just be really busy but... well as the journal says, I have an almost psychic sense when it comes to my own suffering. She isn't coming back to me... And top it all off I really want to cry but I can't.

--
Blood and Darkness, it is at the heart of life. Come dwell with us in the dark.
:iconmikashi:
~Mikashi Mar 14, 2009, 2:54:18 PM
Thanks :)

I hate people who talk in code *bitch-slaps her* XD.

Why can't you cry!? Is that stereotype that "Men can't cry, because we're men thing!?"
Cry when you want to cry darnit!
If you don't, it'll only build up and be more stressful for you.
:iconmalkar:
~Malkar Mar 14, 2009, 3:08:35 PM
That's the thing, I don't know why. The one person I was to not just befriend but love, abandons me and I just become rock, bittered and hateful but rock all the same. I have tear ducts, can use them, I know I can... I just.. can't cry. And the stress of this is killing me, my college program is in ruins partly because I did it for her, and partly because I am cemented in it.
Yay for self-inflicted pain eh?

--
Blood and Darkness, it is at the heart of life. Come dwell with us in the dark.
:iconmikashi:
~Mikashi Mar 14, 2009, 3:10:52 PM
:(.
I'm sorry.
Then *I am only speculating*
Maybe you aren't sad that she left, and you only think that you are?
And wow...that makes no sense *slaps self* XD.
Hm, want another hug?? :hug:
:iconmalkar:
~Malkar Mar 14, 2009, 3:27:27 PM
... maybe I am unable to cry because deep down inside I always knew it would happen, so no matter how much I hurt, my heart was already partly shielded from it. Kind of like knowing your going to burn yourself by touching heated utensil that has fallen but grabbing for it anyway. You know your going to hurt but your nerves do not know thus respond with the pain reflex anyway.... not really sure that makes sense...

I would love one, if only it was physical... something about the physcial world that helps remind us that it is real. Sorry I'll shush now ^^ :hug:

--
Blood and Darkness, it is at the heart of life. Come dwell with us in the dark.
:iconmikashi:
~Mikashi Mar 14, 2009, 3:30:29 PM
Oh burning thing...that sort of happened to me XD.
You don't have to shush.
You talk, I'll listen, that's what friends are for :)
:glomp:
:iconmalkar:
~Malkar Mar 14, 2009, 3:44:03 PM
well... sad as it is, right now I'm trying to compile a source of material to send her, if she hasn't put me on all her ignore lists.. (already been locked out of our photobucket account), this way if she wants to she can keep tabs on me, although if she tells me we're through, major if, I won't want to ever speak to her again.

--
Blood and Darkness, it is at the heart of life. Come dwell with us in the dark.
:iconmikashi:
~Mikashi Mar 14, 2009, 3:48:49 PM
That's good :)
Could you mail it to her? *blink*
:iconmalkar:
~Malkar Mar 14, 2009, 3:59:51 PM
I could try, but the only address I have is one her mother uses, and I already sent off a letter to her mother regarding her well-being, and so far as I know her family is unaware of the full extent of our relationship. Sending it to jess directly, impossible. I do not know where she is exactly... I'm certain she is living on the campus of the university she's at but... that isn't useful.

I am thinking that in a couple of months if I can put everything together I might visit either her mother or her directly.. provided I can track her down and see what is going on... yeah I know crazy-stalker type thing. But this has been a 4 year relationship, I'm not about to just abandon it on a hunch and possible sign. All i really want is a yes or a no from her, either yes we are together or no, it is over... a reason why would be nice too.. maybe I drove her away with my crazy, withdrawl influenced emails or something, who knows...

--
Blood and Darkness, it is at the heart of life. Come dwell with us in the dark.
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